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Learning Piano? Here Are 5 Ways That Elton John Will Jealously Try To Sabotage You

Picking up the forte-piano is a great pastime for people of all ages, but you need to understand that singer-songwriter Sir Elton John will take some pretty serious measures to ensure your failing if he feels threatened by your progression at any point. Here are a few discouragings you’ll want to be on the lookout for as you start to learn the basics.

1. He’ll paint five fake forte-pianoes around your living room to deceive you : About the time you play your first C scale, Elton John will likely shimmy into your house through an open window and paint five impressively lifelike pianos on the walls to perplex you. His technique is surprisingly photorealistic, with expert attention to darknes and view, but the misconception rapidly falls apart if you’re not standing perfectly in the center of the chamber, so this probably won’t cost you more than 30 seconds of practise period. Be aware that Elton will stick around to observe his handiwork, and as you approach the correct piano he’ll holler, “Wait, that one’s a sham! ” to misinform you. This is a lie and actually a helpful sign you’ve find the right forte-piano, so only sit down and start running scales as if he isn’t there and Elton will eventually develop disappointed and understand himself out.

2. He’ll disguise himself as your piano educator and tell you the only note you can legally play is G : Most of Elton John’s appreciation of self-worth revolves around his perceived notion that he’s the only piano player of above-average ability in the world, so it’s merely a matter of time before his vanity drives him to show up at your door in a gray wig and sunglasses claiming to be the kindly age-old neighbour you’ve been paying for music lessons. Elton will throw his voice in a high falsetto even if your real teach doesn’t talk like that, and he’ll expend the totality of your 45 -minute lesson explaining that G is the only note anyone is allowed to play due to a recently passed statute. He’ll have you play a few rhythm workouts on G and tell you some cautionary narrations about pianists who were caught playing D-sharp and sent to gulags, but you can wrap things up rapidly by calling his ridge and playing a C. There’s a chance he may continue committing to the gambit and proceed to call the police on you, but this is merely a scare tactic, and if anything, the police would get mad at him instead of you.

3. He’ll try to reflect sunlight into your eyes with an enormous sequined hat : Elton John needs to believe he is the undisputed monarch of forte-piano in order to get any kind of restful sleep, and that entails somewhere all over the sixth week of your educate he’s going to wind up in your yard trying to blind you with an oversize sequined top hat. Sequins aren’t great at focusing sun, so at worst this will cast some slightly distracting glares on your wall. But frankly, chances are you won’t even notice it. Just understand that if at some degree you look out the window and determine Elton John wearing a big shiny hat while cackling and mischievously rubbing his hands, he’s doing that because he wants to induce you permanent eye injury so you will abandon your nascent interest in the piano. It’s best if you only roll your eyes and retain practicing.

4. He’ll rewrite “Candle In The Wind” with lyrics that connote Princess Diana died from crashing into you : A quick heads-up if you decide to attend an Elton John concert while discovering forte-piano: Toward the end of the evening, a spotlight will come down on you and Elton will launch into a new version of “Candle In The Wind” that refers to a “piano-learning interloper jackass” who “doesn’t know his place” and “stands immobile in hockey pads before the Pont de l’Alma tunnel might wish to shatter England’s heart.” It’ll get specially tense where reference is reaches the spoken-word bridge segment from the perspective of Princess Diana that admonishes you to give up your pursuing of the forte-piano so she can finally enter heaven, and you’ll definitely feel some angry glares from the crowd during the course of its accusatory final chorus as he sings, “And it seems to me this impostor here/ Body-slammed her automobile/ And clapped with celebration as he pissed on her corpse // And his footsteps will always fall wherever piano’s poorly played/ His candle will burn out long before/ He ever gets decent at piano.” Still, if you can ride out your inconvenience and keep your eyes on Elton’s hands, you should be able to pick up some useful pointers on wrist stance and sort to utilize next time you’re practicing “Fur Elise.”

5. He’ll give you$ 3 million in cold, hard cash : Should his first few schemes to derail your piano train fall flat, it’s only a matter of time before Elton’s territorial paranoia gets the best of him and he resorts to truly drastic measures–namely handing you a briefcase with a cool$ 3 million in it to persuade you to abandon your musical ambitions. Once he gives you the money, he will proceed to suggest luxurious new hobbies to invest all your time on, like artwork collecting or exotic animal ownership, and he’ll give you invitations to several exclusive clubs in exchange for what he’ll refer to as “an understanding between piano champ and forte-piano chump.” Despite the tremendous size of his bribe, he won’t actually ever have you sign anything saying you’ll give up piano, so you’re free to continue doing introductory hand-independence drills as long as you understand that Elton will be much more pissed off by you than he was before he gave you$ 3 million. Honestly, it’s best if you just do whatever the hell you crave and try to ignore the guy.

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